For years I worked towards 4 goals to hit by 30:
- Be in a relationship
- Buy a Chanel bag
- Pay off my student debt
- Have 6mo of living expenses in savings
I thought if I hit these goals I would reach ultimate happiness. What else could someone want? I would have money, love, material goods and no debt. I would be fulfilled from all aspects. I was wrong.
Rewind to March 2017 - I hit a version of these goals. I didn't receive a single second of happiness from this success. I willingly sacrificed my happiness on a daily basis to find minimal satisfaction in a bi-weekly paycheck. I put a glass ceiling on what I could achieve because I was interested in how many O's were in my salary. My financial adviser wouldn't let me pay off my student debt for she was in fear I would need that money in case I had a mental breakdown and needed the security net.
After my 10 hour work day, I would go home and square peg, round hole my personality into a relationship that no longer was serving me. I felt that I had to be coupled up because I was 30 years old and that is what I was supposed to be. I was dishonest to my partner and to myself.
Unhappiness was circling around me and causing me extreme anxiety. I knew if I was ever going to get out from this feeling that I was going to have to take a dive into myself to see what wasn't fulfilled.
I had never asked myself what I truly needed or wanted from this life.
After a private Breathwork session, I sat down with a notebook and wrote out the following - I wanted to travel the world. I needed to create more and work less. I needed to connect to other people on a deeper level. I wanted to feel butterflies in my stomach again. I desired to try new things and walk through the fear of the unknown. I wanted to be seen and to feel appreciated for the work that I do for others. I needed to feel alive again.
It felt selfish to ask for these things. At some point in my life, I taught myself that others needs were to go before my own. I was functioning from an empty cup and endlessly giving. I was running on E and wondering why I felt so depleted all of the time. I realized it was time to take a breather, fill my cup up and find time for me.
Through Breathwork, a great support system and fearlessly seeking I find I am naturally in the flow now. I learned that my happiness wasn't a Chanel bag, I've still got student debt and now I'm single as hell and loving it. I don't make lists anymore contingent upon benchmarks in my age or what I believe happiness looks like. I simply ask myself - what do I need or want from this world to fulfill me? I also have to make the time to listen.
So I want you to ask yourself, are you happy? What do you need today to feel a little happier? When is the last time you asked yourself what does your soul need? Imagine what you could achieve in this lifetime if you felt fulfilled.