A few months ago, a good friend told me that I was Type A+
I heard her. And knew I had to make some shifts, because I was trying to change this behavior. Release the control.
My desire to control situations to fit me has provided a series of relationship obstacles over the years. I don't react well when I don't get my way. I was raised in chaos and have this idea that if it isn't done by me - it won't be done correctly.
I forget that there is more than one way to survive in this wild world. I do not hold all the answers. I stand to learn so much if only I get out of my own way.
I slipped into old behavior last week and it swallowed me whole.
My skin was tight.
I couldn't breathe fully.
Words were stuck in my mouth.
Life felt like it was hanging on me like heavy weights.
I wanted to catch a flight out of New York and run.
I needed to escape.
I was afraid.
I was frustrated at my unfulfilling desk job. I was going to my hometown for the first time in over a year and that was uncomfortable. Some friendships were rocky after a close friend had pointed out that I had been mean. My usual firm footing in life was nonexistent and I felt like I was floating alone.
I could feel the anxiety creeping up my throat.
My brain was fluttering with questions no answers could quell.
Why was I feeling my teenage heartbreak again?
Why did my mother cut me out of her life a few months ago?
Can I actually give without expectation of return?
Am I capable of providing unconditional love?
Was I really as harmful as someone close to me had described me as?
My natural instinct is to retreat into my mind and to shut people out. I become incapable of being present for life happening around me and cannot look people in the eyes.
Spoiler alert - I failed miserably last weekend.
I was pushed to places I haven't been in years this past weekend. It was violently emotionally difficult. In the face of the beautiful life I have constructed for myself in my adult years - I was faced with the reality of where I come from.
I don't love my roots. I may wish to forget the past. But in the face of extreme pain - I've made a conscious decision to let love in instead.
Last weekend, that looked like endless apologies and asking for help. It looked like collapsing in my best friends bed when I returned to Brooklyn. It looked like learning that Camillus, New York is truly no longer home and my place in this world is far bigger than I imagined.
But I've decided to allow myself to still love the parts of me that have fallen short, accepting that it all happened. I have to continue to let the love pour out of me.
At the end of the day, I walked away from last weekend seeing some positivity despite the tough parts — knowing that I hosted a Breathwork circle for 16 people cracked my heart open even more. The answers to the questions I had asked myself didn't matter because I had shifted the focus to practical application for the life hurdles. I did a virtual Breathwork session by my teacher and had a big ugly cry - it was great!
So you can fall short, take steps back, leap forward and crumble into a pile of mushy tears but just keep moving forward. The lesson isn't always clear in the moment — but trust in the process. I'm always here for you.