My best friend and I often ask -
How does your heart feel today?
I never used to pay much mind to my heart or it's feelings. The cost of ignoring those feelings for years was high. I was unable to love someone for who they were. The idea of self-love was enough to make me sick. I kept everyone at arms length. My genuine connections were non-existent and I couldn't see why.
When I was 16 years old - someone told me that I was unlovable. When I was 18 years old - I was betrayed by a boyfriend that I thought I would marry. When I was 20 years old - my partner of two years disappeared in the middle of the night. I carried these scars into my 30's like badges of honour.
Communication didn't come natural to me.
Unconditional love was a foreign idea.
I began to build high walls and lose trust in people.
I lost my sense of self and was desperate for a connection so I became a chameleon. I was seeking validation and love whilst being detached from my own truth.
If you had a hobby - It was mine too. You name it and I would research it and fake being in love with it. I feared not being interesting or cool. I feared someone walking away because of my lack of depth. I lived in habitual fear.
I was too afraid to look inside to find the bleeding core wound that was keeping me separate from a partner. Too afraid to see that I had been hurting for years and I needed help but was too prideful to ask for it.
Eventually, I fell into a partnership with someone who loved me for all of my perceived wounds. Unfortunately for them - I was still a chameleon. My inability to find my true sense of self left so much longing in my soul. It caused my tongue to be harsh and my controlling nature to be even more intense. There were plenty of sweet moments but we were doomed.
When that partner walked out the door of what was our apartment a little over a year ago - I let out a sigh of relief. What was once ours became mine again. I was already on a journey of self-exploration and healing through meditation and various incredible teachers.
Months prior I had started making space for myself. I began to tune into my heart and listen to what it needed. When I heard in a Breathwork session - your wants and needs aren't being met in your relationship - my heart ached. I carried that weight around my body for weeks. I began to have panic attacks on the streets of New York City. I wanted to square peg / round hole the situation until it felt right again but our souls knew our partnership had concluded.
Unknowingly, I had given myself the best gift of all time. Last summer I made space for exactly what I needed. Time to see exactly what made me happy and space to make mistakes and explore. I made my home mine again, I found new relationships and friendships and began to be fulfilled in a way that I hadn't ever dreamed of.
I found exploring self-love appealing and living life from a point of abundance rather than lack. I began to heal the core wounds by asking for help and sauntering through life rather than powering through pretending everything was okay.
So I ask you - how does your heart feel?
I invite you to ride the wave. Truly feel all of the feelings.
Want to dive in and feel your power?
Book a virtual private Breathwork session now!