Money dominates me.
Every time I try to talk about money I feel a burning pit in my stomach. I immediately revert to being a child when I bought an .86 cent nail file at Fay's Drugstore and I got yelled at my by mother because we were over-drafted yet again. I grew up in the disheveled house at the end of the street but was sent to private school because education was important to my parents.
My money issues run deep.
Leaving my well paid job to live off my savings is frightening. I have broken out in full body sweats more than once since deciding to take this leap of faith.
Can I be happy without a steady paycheck?
I have had to talk myself out of the belief that I will be homeless and broke because I have decided to take this chance. This human character flaw has haunted me since before I ever started earning money and I am exhausted.
I have willingly stayed in jobs that have been damaging for my mental well-being because of the amount of money being deposited into my bank account every two weeks. I have taken cater waiter jobs to make a couple hundred bucks because I honestly felt I needed the money to stay afloat. I turned my passion of photography into a career I loathed because of how good money looked written out on a check. I have gone out on dates I didn't want to go on because I didn't want to pay for dinner. I have sold my sense of peace and happiness time and time again because of my fear of money.
This insecurity sits in my throat like a sickness at all times.
I wish I could tell you I've found the cure but I'm a human just trying to get through this uncomfortable truth. This is a core wound I've been ripping open for decades and I'm happy to say that with this leap into the unknown universe I'm hopeful to learn something new.
I've grown a lot in the last year - learning to listen to the wants and needs of my soul has been challenging and rewarding. The idea of seeking what happiness looks like without a dollar sign attached to it is both frightening and exhilarating.
I can vividly remember the stream of tears on my cheeks from when I saved my first $1,000 in my bank account eight years ago. Now I look forward to breaking the financial handcuffs I've put on myself so I can live a more free and fulfilling life.