Boundaries are Tough

Who do you let see your true self? Who gets an inside look to the gooey center?


I used to only cry on subway trains. I couldn't be vulnerable to the people in my life because I had to be strong. I used to not have boundaries. I am a classic over-stepper. I love to take charge and get things done with efficiency. I had the mentality that if it wasn't done by me - it wouldn't be done right. It took me a long time to realize that kind of thinking only led me to resentment and anger. 

I worked with a spiritual giant last year and she had me do an exercise dealing with the idea of a 'healthy middle'. I had to draw a line on a paper with two stick figures at the end and then I drew a line down the middle. I was allowed to go up to the middle in every relationship but no further.

If someone didn't meet me half way any more, I had to deal with how that felt. I had to assess the relationship. I had to see what it felt like to sit in that discomfort. 

How did it feel when people failed to show up? When they weren't who they told me they were?

It felt horrible. I wanted to control the situation with all of my might. I wanted to overstep and love them to death. I wanted to right the wrong. I wanted to complete the puzzle. I wanted to square peg - round hole the situation till my head hurt and my heart fell out of my chest.

I quickly discovered - once you are forced to look at situations differently, you can't unhear the truth.

This meant I had to shed some people. Some long standing relationships. I'm talking relationships that had lasted YEARS. I kept relationships alive long past their expiration dates because I didn't know how to let go. I had to grieve these. I had to clean them out and make room for new people. New people who I got to teach how I wanted to be in a relationship with. If you didn't know - you teach people how to be in relationships with you. 

Now I value my space, my time and my love. I try my hardest to go into new relationships with an open heart. I value honesty and loyalty. I fearlessly call in my soul family on the regular. I cry openly in front of these people. They show up when life gets hard. I want to pour love and good feelings into this world so I want the souls in my life to match that.

Who are you calling into your life? 
Are you living in harmony?
If not - it's time to start. 

Have you found your pack?

Reborn with Breath

It was a bitter cold February evening as I paced outside of Maha Rose waiting for my friend to arrive.

I had no idea what I was about to get myself into. Dana suggested I try Breathwork a few weeks prior if I wanted to up my spirituality game. I responded with a swift 'no'. Yet here I was, frantically pacing in front of a warm healing center in Greenpoint, Brooklyn. 

We eventually emerged into the heavily saged center and I was officially stressed out. Group settings aren't my thing and the people attending looked professionally successful and ethereally beautiful. My friend and I grabbed a seat and I try to accept whatever was about to come my way. 

A beautiful glowing woman, Erin Telford, opened the circle with a calming voice and loving words. She had us all go around the circle and share one thing we want to release that evening. I immediately felt bonded to the group and at ease.

She showed us how the breath cycle worked and all thirty of us got situated. We were close, like bodies touching close. Erin started the music and audible emotional sounds began... I think to myself, what in the hell did I sign up for? Trying to keep an open mind - I began the breath. Bodily sensations started and I was shocked. The woman next to me began to cry and my initial reaction was to help her. Instead of responding to that reaction - I cried with her.

Without notice, I found my friends hand in mine. Flashes of our friendship flooded my mind. I recalled experiences of every instance where she was there to support me. Every difficult life moment. Every fun random adventure. I was overcome with joy. Before I knew it, I was audibly laughing. I felt a calming sense of release.

The breath journey lasted roughly thirty five minutes and was followed by a peaceful resting period. We sat as a group after and some shared their experiences. I sat with tear stained cheeks, leaning on my friend in profound gratitude for our friendship and in a deep stupor as to what had just cracked open in me. I felt lighter.

I have always sought to feel safe and protected from outside sources. I now had an understanding that I could access that feeling within myself through this practice. I instantly knew I needed to explore this more. I needed to share this with others.

Thus began my fearless journey into Breathwork where I fell in love with self healing.